January 17, 18

30 Days of Silence Days 1 and 2

These blog posts aren’t about fanfare.  They’re about transparently sharing some of what I’m journaling while I’m navigating through 30-days of (mostly) silence. I say mostly silent because I couldn’t go 30-days without talking and still work.  I needed a couple exceptions. I will (sparingly) talk if: I’m working, which covers a couple areas — my marketing work, my coaching practice, and my Mastery Groups (which is all about my work). I will also talk to deal with logistics (mostly having to do with my work, but a bit with regard to my daughter). My daughter, God bless her, is helping by not calling just to chat.  But with just going to college, I need to be somewhat available for her. Other than that, I’m not talking. Already I’m starting to slow down my mind and begin to go inward.

I’ve gotten notes from people who have been through similar experiments, mostly in retreats or alone in a cabin in the boonies. I’ve not encountered anyone who’s done what I’m attempting to do. I tell you what, when you cut most everything out of your day, and you have infinite possibilities of what you can create, there is a temptation to try to do everything, which doesn’t work.  It becomes overwhelming.  Then you end up doing very little.  A dear friend of mine suggested that I create a schedule.  That simple idea has proved to be brilliant!  I did that today.  This evening I created two schedules — one on exercise days and one for off exercise days. I was happy to see that I can get my 1 1/2 – 2 hours of power walking in and still meditate twice (or more) in a day!

Okay, now for some early insights.

Yesterday I felt like Luke Skywalker Yoda said to him, “You take [into the cave] only what is within you.” It was fascinating timing in that someone I adore chose the day before I was to into silence to tell me some (well, many) things they were unhappy with regard to me.  It stirred up SO much!  Defensiveness, frustration, feeling misunderstood, unseen, betrayed, deep sadness, loss, fear, regret.  The good and VERY important news was that with this, I got to see what has taken me “out” when wanting to go out into the world more fully with my gifts — thinking that I must be flawed if someone isn’t seeing the best parts of me — that they must be seeing “the” truth about me…  This struck precisely the part of me that has struggled with self-confidence.

The real truth is this, I am flawed.  There!  I said it.  But here’s the more important truth.  Being flawed doesn’t mean I’m not worthy or that I don’t have amazing qualities and things to share. It means I’m still learning and growing…just like everyone else.  I’m not discounting what the person said, because they had some valid gripes.  But I also saw really clearly what was “mine” and what was “theirs”.  As usual, after the conversation, I began to work with what was mine — what do I need to look at, own, shift, press into, release, apologize for, etc.  I got another perspective the next day when a client who trusts me with their heart and life came for a session.  I am also she who uses everything I’ve learned and gained wisdom from to guide others. I am also the person energy flows through to help others.

It wasn’t easy, but it was a gift to see both my sub-human and uber-human sides.  Lol!  One thing’s for sure, the more I’m out in the world sharing what I have to give, I’m going to encounter people who don’t agree with me, get me, or even like me.  Oh well!  The best I can do is be true to myself, transparent, and continue to be unwaveringly dedicated to my own internal, emotional and spiritual development.

Lastly, today I was reflecting on the concept of the “householder” — someone who’s pursuing a spiritual path while living amongst people (as opposed to living in an ashram or a cave), and is usually married. After day 2, and with all the juggling of work, family and home, I can honestly say I think it must be immeasurably easier live in an ashram or a cave!!!  Except then I wouldn’t have my family and my friends.  I think that’s really what keeps me from leading a life of Spirit and solitude. I LOVE my inner circle and I adore talking and spending time with them.  And…well…I love sharing intimacy with another…and chocolate. But that’s for another blog.  My point is that to nurture and grow a spiritually while also fully engaging in life takes volition! Paramahansa Yogananda talks about volition.  It’s a great word…and state of mind.

I’m now late for meditating.  So much for my schedule.  But I wanted to get these things down.  I’ll do better tomorrow!

Love all around…