30-Days of Silence Day 17
30-Days of Silence Day 17
Something happened that I do not, repeat not, want to write!
But before I do, today I had a couple ***glorious*** meditations, read some of spiritual texts, and fulfilled my monthly chapel sitting seva at the Self Realization Fellowship Windmill Chapel. The day was brisk and resplendent.
I walked outside after my seva to take some things to my car. I went back into the chapel and was about to sit down to meditate when I noticed the back and slight profile of man. He struck me as handsome. I said to myself, Simmer down, Donna. This is not the time or place for that. Anyway, he’s probably not all that handsome from the front. (Yes, I admit I actually thought that! Lol) I sat a couple rows behind him and managed to quiet my mind and have a wonderful meditation. Then at I’m guessing about 30 minutes into it, I felt a stirring and then an urge to stretch. As I did so, I locked eyes with one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen as he was getting up to leave. My breath caught and all I could think was, Whoa! I barely stopped myself from saying it out loud! Then, as if to force myself, I thought, Donna, get back to your meditation.
I shut my eyes again and did my best, considering my mind kept going to, I didn’t hear him leave. I wonder if he’s still here? Man oh man is he handsome. You don’t date uber handsome men! I wonder if he’s single? Uh boy, this is all I need… Oh, I could live in those eyes. As a testament to my will power, I managed to get in a few more minutes of quality meditation. As I came out of it, I twisted my torso from side to side to stretch. As I did, I glanced to the back of the chapel and there he was, sitting in the back looking at me. I panicked. What do I do? This not the place to hit on a man. Right? Right? Oh my gosh he’s handsome.
I thought about going back into meditation. I had the feeling he would have waited a while longer, but decided to just end it. I knew I’d get another meditation in at night. So, I gathered my things, got up and started to walk to the door. It took all my courage to look at him. We locked eyes again, and my breath caught…again. He smiled and mouthed, “You are so beautiful!” My face turned so hot you could have fried an egg on it. I smiled, then my blush turned to shy at being so transparent. I wanted to sit next to him, gaze into his eyes, and say hello. But my body was vibrating, and I became so overcome with sensations and emotion that I lost all memory of how to talk with a man. So…I walked out!
As I left the chapel I thought, What was that?! OMG! Why did I leave? I should have talked to him! (I turned around to see if he had left the chapel.) Drat! He didn’t come out to meet me. Should I go back in there? No way! Maybe it was my imagination. No it wasn’t. Crap! What do I do now? What was I supposed to be doing? Oh yeah, I have to go to the gift store. I wonder if he’ll find me? If it’s meant for us meet, we will. At this point you can probably see why I need meditation to quiet my mind!
I went into the store and focused on a gift I wanted to get for a friend’s birthday. After a few minutes I found the perfect bracelet. As I was paying, I looked up and there he was, walking into the store. I blushed again, and in an attempt to hide it, I quickly looked down and focused on paying. I turned around to leave, because I didn’t know what else to do, and there he was looking at me again with his stunningly beautiful smile, and I was defenseless to it. Again, my face turned hot (and probably embarrassingly red). I thought about saying hello. I took a deep breath, looked at him squarely, smiled, then turned around, and went the door, tripping over my feet in the process.
As I stood outside the door, I realized a slight problem. I went out the wrong door! I was going to walk around the lake, and the path to do that was right outside…the other door…on the other side of the store…next to where he was standing. I stood for a couple more minutes thinking about what had just happened and figuring out what I was going to do. I could go the other way around the lake, but that was silly. The path was right here. He didn’t follow me out, so I figured maybe he was just being nice, and I was being…well, me. So I mustered my remaining courage, notched up my chin, walked straight into the store and asked both he and the sales clerk (as if I didn’t already know), “The way to the path to the lake is through that door (pointing). Right?” They both offered me the same gracious answer, “Yes, it’s right through that door, and it goes all the way around the lake.” I thanked them both and walked out the door, feeling as if I had just fled a crime scene. Then I looked down and realized I still had my Lake Shrine name tag on from chapel sitting. So it was obvious I knew where the path was. Ugh! I can’t get away with anything!
I calmed my nerves and shifted my focus to the beauty of the lake — the swan, the waterfalls, the foliage and flowers, the sounds of the ducks and birds. My mind slowed. I passed by my favorite Wall-less Chapel and the Gandhi Memorial, and stopped in front of the Krishna monument. I could feel the warmth of the sun on my head, and looked up at the serene waterfall, the statue, and plaque quoting the Bhagavad-Gita. At that moment, movement to the right caught my attention. I turned, and that beautiful man was walking up to me.
Now here’s the part I don’t want to say. I blushed again, said, “Hello”, and proceeded to walk and talk with him…for an hour. I utterly and completely forgot about my 30-Days of Silence! It wasn’t that I thought to myself, I know I made this vow, but I’m going to break it (which I wouldn’t have done.) It was that my brain got its wires so thoroughly crossed, it just fritzed out. As a result, and in my oblivion, I thoroughly enjoyed our time getting to know each other a bit. I particularly appreciated that he comes to the lake and the chapel fairly often, whenever he needs to re-center himself. I also found it interesting that today he felt a very strong urge to come. So much so that he dropped everything and drove quite a distance to be there…at that time…uh hem…
We said our goodbyes, and as I got into my car to leave and noticed my body had gone from vibrating to trembling. I drove out of the parking lot feeling high (which felt great), and still not remembering about my vow. It wasn’t until I left Santa Monica Homeopathic after running an errand that someone (who knows of my vow) sent me a text saying, “Hey, you’re talking!” that I realized I had in fact been talking. I was shocked, and after realizing what I had done, bewildered. How could that have happened!
Well, I have had a lot of thoughts about it, but the two most prominent are:
- Let it go , regroup, and move on (back into silence).
- I now understand the saying, “The face that launched a thousand ships.” Or is it “…sunk a thousand ships”? (Kidding) Either way, I get it!
Epilogue: At the end of our walk, he asked for my number. He didn’t have his cell phone, so he input his info into mine — his name, number, and email address. He asked me to send him some info on me and the work I do. When I got home, I did as he asked. In my email I briefly told him of my vow and confessed that I had broken it. I then (playfully) asked what he thought about a “silent date.” We’ll see… Uh oh! It just occurred to me, I don’t know if he’s even single. We didn’t have that conversation. Oops!
One other thought I’m left with. For many, many years, I’ve not dated uber handsome men. I had a judgement (yes, I admit it!) that men that handsome 1) are somewhat spoiled from getting things too easily in life, and as a result 2) have not cultivated real depth and character. (Sorry uber handsome guys! I am certain this is not true of all of you!) I looked that judgment right in the beautiful face as this intelligent and really interesting man gazed at me with his crystal clear, sky blue eyes. Of course I have no idea how deep he is, if we could bring out the best in each other, and whether he could handle a woman who does these sorts of crazy silent adventures. Good looks and an hour can’t tell me this. Again, we’ll see…
As for me, I’ll be staying on this crazy silent adventure for a while longer to get whatever it is I’m gonna get…