Making a Difference

Exploring Practice #3 — Maintain a Vision that is Larger than You
(See the list of the 7 Practices of Authentic Power on my 8/22/09 post.)

Each of us comes into this world with our unique journeys and lessons to learn. As we grow, we form who we will be in the world and how and at what level we will contribute. In time, we take action to create the life we want. Depending on circumstances, some find this process easy, while others experience challenges and barriers between who they are and who they would like to be.

Practice #3 is a fairly simple in theory, but it asks for persistence. Competitive swimmers swim faster by setting goals larger than what they have already achieved, and by attempting to beat their rivals. Entrepreneurs grow their businesses by creating a vision of what they want, and then setting goals and implementing marketing strategies. Potential artists, writers, dancers and musicians are usually inspired to begin by another whose creativity touched them in a profound way. At some point they will usually learn the basics of drawing, sculpting, writing, feet positions, dance steps, cord structures, harmonies, etc. to give them a foundation. The person with creative aspirations combines their personal desires and abilities with larger inspirations to create their own unique work.

The most effective practices to expand your sense of personal power includes aligning yourself with a vision that is larger you. Study those you admire. Listen to what they say, and pay attention to what they do, what and how they create, and how they live their lives. If you have a hard time imagining the life you want, borrow some particulars from others who are already doing what you want to do. Adopt their ideas and practices and make them your own by adding your spin and your authentic voice.

In the process of expanding your life and learning new things to assist you in this process, there is a system that suggests first seeing in your mind’s eye the thing you want to learn. See yourself doing the thing, with great detail, as if you have already mastered it. Feel the action in your muscles and the sense of satisfaction you get from doing it. Feel your feelings around these new abilities. If you do this with regularity, your physical and emotional muscles can actually create a memory that will give you a leg up on learning the thing you want to learn. Whether it is learning to ski or learning to speak in front of people, this system works very well.

I gave this technique to my daughter when she was learning to do the butterfly. I had her watch Michael Phelps several times on You Tube performing the stroke perfectly, and listen to the coach pointing out exactly what Michael was doing and why. Then I instructed her to go to bed, seeing herself doing the stroke in the same way that she saw Michael doing it. She showed marked improvement in her stroke after engaging in this process a few times.

I used this technique, but in a more personal way, when I wanted to have deeper orgasms. (Yes, you just read right, I am now going to speak about how I learned to have better and deeper orgasms.) I grew up having been molested several times and date raped. I had a lot of shame around having sex and enjoying it. Mostly I had sex to get men off my back. I learned to be very good at giving sex, it was my way of feeling in control, because when I was a child, I felt that when it came to men’s needs, I had none. When I got to my late 30’s, I was introduced to a couple that taught Tantra to couples. On my own, I read books and watched videos to understand what people were experiencing and how they went about it. I so yearned for a partner that would help me learn to surrender and let go. Up until then, achieving orgasm was often quite laborious for the men I was with, and I had only experienced more surface, clitoral orgasms. I had heard (although it was difficult to imagine) that woman could have nine levels of orgasm, multiple orgasms, cervical orgasms, and that woman could even ejaculate, and I wanted to know how go to this exalted place.

The man I was with was not emotionally available or knowledgeable enough to go to this place with me, and we eventually split. I kept wanting, praying, imagining what it might look and feel like to have this kind of relationship. Then one day a few years later, “he” showed up; not in the package I thought he would be in, and he wasn’t what I considered long-term relationship material, but he was a loving, caring and a knowledgeable man, and we stayed together on and off for four years as we learned how to open and surrender to each other. Oh, and did I mention he was the most awesome and experienced lover I could imagine? I finally understood what all the hoopla was about. We shared the out-of-body experiences that I had always heard about, and we shared deep and passionate love with each other.

After four years of exploring, we ended our relationship on good terms. He is still a dear friend. With him I reached a high level of orgasm, but never quite got to experience the highest. I kept doing my emotional healing work that included learning how to surrender into the feminine and more fully to the masculine. I also continued to hold the possibility for myself to experience all nine levels of orgasm–affirming that I was worthy of that level of pleasure. Eventually, I ended up with a strong and loving man with whom in time I was able to go to the next levels. He was not the most experienced lover, but he was willing, and tenacious and wanted to pleasure me from a genuine place of giving, without having his ego bruised if I did not respond quickly or in dramatic ways. And after a few emotional breakthroughs, I began to regularly experience the elation of multiple orgasms, complete with ejaculation–the ninth level of orgasm. I have experienced this level of orgasm to last up to several minutes to half an hour. I am here it say that it has been well worth the wait!

By the way, I have not shared the story above to be gratuitous. Healing my sexual pain and living fully into my womanhood was a profound desire and part of my vision for an expanded life.

Okay, now take a breath and re-focus on maintaining a vision that is larger than you…

What might it be like when you step into the live you envisioned? Think of it as preparing yourself to move into your new dream house. You knew the number of rooms that would give you a feeling of spaciousness, the view that would give you the most peace, the lighting that would give you a feeling of happiness, and the airflow that would let you breathe in well-being. When you realize you have found your dream home, you buy it and move in. When you first arrive, depending on where you came from, it may take some time to get used to the extra space, the new lighting and all the new gadgets. You may feel excited, and you might also feel awkward. In time though, you will expand to fill the space with all that you are and enjoy the life you’ve created. Eventually, you may even outgrow this home and decide to expand once again.

In the dream world, the house represents the dreamer’s mind and consciousness. While being fully present in your daily life, hold a vision (or the sense of possibility) of expanding your mind, heart, life and consciousness. Keep this feeling alive, as you continually press into it. Invite it in and welcome its presence. You will receive insights and guidance that will enable you to expand in the ways you desire.

There’s a great saying that goes like this,

“The pain pushes until the vision pulls.”

I think this says it well. Allow your vision to pull you into the more expanded and satisfied you.

This blog, and all my writings, are explorations into the wondrous, deep, and ever-evolving process of living, loving and growing. My intention with Pebbles for Thought, is to empower and uplift, one post at a time.

Exploring Practice #2 — Be In The Present,  Pay Attention
(See the list of the 7 Practices of Authentic Power on my 8/22/09 post.)

Q. So in the practices of personal power, why are being present and paying attention crucial elements?

A. When one’s awareness is not in the present, one cannot pay attention to what is going on within and around them. And if one is not paying attention, one cannot receive the sometimes-subtle messages and insights they might otherwise receive, nor can they often receive the guidance or see the opportunities that are right before their eyes.

Referring to my good friend, Webster –

Present (as an adjective) 1: now existing or in progress
2 a : being in view or at hand  3: attentive
4 archaic: instant, immediate. Synonyms: current, existent, instant

Attention 1: a condition of readiness involving especially a selective narrowing or focusing of consciousness and receptivity
2: observation, notice; especially: consideration with a view to action something requiring prompt attention 3.  a focusing of the mind on something gave the issue careful attention

What I find beautiful about these definitions is that they point to living in a state of beingness while also being in a state of readiness or alertness.

It is also interesting to note that the definition of present as a noun is: something presented, a gift, benevolence, boon, compliment, favor, generosity. Being present in the moment is where the gifts occur.

Something I often say to my clients is, “Grace is always standing in the wings, waiting for an invitation to rush forward on your behalf.” In my work with people, I often notice them rushing from thing to thing while at the same time focusing (or worrying) about the future, and sometimes also living in some degree in the past, with its pain and regrets, or in the memory of pleasure and comparing it to the present. When I ask my clients how they keep track of what is happening currently if they are also living in another time, they say they can’t.

Your future is created by the quality of the moment you are cultivating in the present.

I am all for taking time and energy to focus attention on co-creating our futures, but not at the expense of being present in the moment. That’s right, not being present becomes expensive. The gifts, clues, opportunities for growth and expansion, guidance, grace, pleasure, and joy we yearn for exist ONLY in the present. If we aren’t firmly connected in the here and now, we are likely to miss them.

Your personal power lays in bringing the qualities of the future you desire into this moment.

What do I mean by the above statement? Anyone who has had a hard time in life knows that the way out was not by focusing on the future (although it is important to be clear on what you want), nor is it by focusing on the past (although it is important to heal your past pain), it is by living the life you want to live…to the best of your abilities…now.

You want to create a larger and more fulfilling life? First, get yourself clear on what it would feel like to have such a life. Then, start doing the things you would do (perhaps in smaller ways) if you had such a life. Feel what you’re feeling while doing the things. Do you feel good? Do you feel scared? Do you feel fulfilled? Do you feel this isn’t quite the feeling you were looking for? All these experiences occur in the now moment and are the indicators as to whether you are on the right track or not. If we are paying attention, we are able to assess whether what we are doing (and feeling) is in alignment with our desire. If it is not, we can make adjusts.

Can you see the gems available to you in your primary relationship if you are always worried about the future of the relationship, or if he/she is “the one”, or, if you are focused on the pain he/she or others have caused you in the past? Not likely. Look to see if the experience you are currently having matches the experience you ultimately want to have. If you are not feeling fulfillment, then the next step is to do your best to make adjustments in the relationship to get the experience you want. For example, if one of the things I want in my ideal romantic relationship is great communication and I am not currently experiencing it, then first, I should know how to communicate effectively, or learn how to do it. Then, I would want to choose a partner who either knows how to communicate effectively as well or is willing to learn and practice it. Then as you progress, check in with your experience to decipher if you are on the right track. To do this you must be present and pay attention to what you are experiencing right now. I have worked with people who are convinced that their partner is not capable of something they want or need, only to find out that problem was not with the partner per se, but with the person’s residual pain from past experiences and their fear of being hurt again in the future that keeps them from seeing the current reality of what the partner is capable and willing to do.

It is in the present that we heal our pasts.

How can someone grow their business if they are still reliving past failures? There is value in seeing where our scars come from, but be very clear that the healing of scars occurs in the now. Many times I have healed scars by doing the antithesis of the thing. It has looked like this, once I have told the full truth about my past failure and taken responsibility for my part in it, I take the lessons I learned from the experience and move forward. As I move forward, I may encounter temporary feelings of fear (remorse, guilt, anger, etc.), but I am confident because I know I have done my work. Eventually I receive an insight or an Aha moment and I see the past and the present connect, and the pain revealed and healed. A domino effect occurs where I can see everything between my past and the present moment collapse. It is as if the energetic string that connected the subsequent experiences of the original wound is pulled out, and everything is released from its hold.

Have you ever hear the saying, “Take your fear with you”? You don’t have to be healed of fear before you do the thing you are afraid of. The thing you need is trust in yourself that you have learned what you needed in order to move forward successfully. By the way, I would also say, “Take your anger with you”, but if you read Personal Power point #1, you know that residual anger stems from fear.

Now for the other side of the coin…or the bad news for some. When one is present, one also subjects himself or herself to their past pain. Herein lies the opportunity for healing and growth. Those who have persistent emotional pain are usually doing anything and everything they can to avoid feeling their feelings in the present moment. They will use TV, food, shopping, sex, drugs/alcohol, doing too much, etc. to avoid feeling what is going on right now. The thing is, that right now contains all the clues to free oneself of their agony, and avoiding the feelings only perpetuates them! Here is another saying for you, “What we resists persists.”

I leave you with this,

The biggest gift we can give to ourselves is our presence in the present.

This blog, and all my writings, are explorations into the wondrous, deep, and ever-evolving process of living, loving and growing. My intention with Pebbles for Thought, is to empower and uplift, one post at a time.

“Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.”  William Shakespeare

When I was 38, I had reached what felt was a pinnacle point of personal achievement. It was as if all that I had worked for in my life in terms of personal growth, knowledge and spiritual insight had come together, and I become a teacher of sorts.

I worked one-on-one with people and began to also lead workshops and gatherings. People came to me for guidance on their lives, and to help them heal their hearts. They trusted me, and I watched them open and grow and heal. It was absolutely incredible and beautiful being a part of it all, and for a short time, I felt complete.

Part of me thought the gatherings were the most natural thing in the world for me to do and that they were something I was always meant for…but…there was another part of me that wasn’t comfortable with having that much visibility, and power, and responsibility, and accountability. I could see something big beginning for form, and I wasn’t comfortable with it. And so after about a year I stopped doing the gatherings. I figured I would go back to them eventually when it felt right again, but it didn’t. Life happened. My father got sick, and a few months after that, I became pregnant.

For years after, I wondered if my window of opportunity for personal greatness had closed. I asked myself many times if it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I took for granted, and if I ruined my one and only chance at fulfilling THE promise that I was born to do? I wondered if I was letting my higher self down…or worse, God.

Although all our stories are different, I imagine some of you have experienced something similar, where you passed something by that you wish you hadn’t, or missed a great opportunity because you weren’t sure of it, or had your moment of greatness, and then sabotaged it.

What I’ve come to realize is that the concept of “greatness” lives only in the minds and egos of people. God/Goddess/the Universe has no investment in whether or not I achieve greatness. Whatever I want to accomplish and how I go about it is up to me, it’s also measured by me. There’s a saying that goes something like this, “There are a multitude of light sockets available. It’s up to you do decide whether or not you plug yourself in.”

Today, 15 years after my experience, the way I define personal greatness is to continually open to, press into, and to grow to my full potential, and be accountable to this; to do my best in each moment to live from the ideals that I’ve cultivated through my relationship with Spirit; and to offer myself authentically and deeply, with compassion. Whether my work effects 1 person or 1 million, what matters to me is the quality of the experience that I give to the people around me.

I’m going to leave you with this question, a version of which was once asked of me, “Do you know…in your heart, your gut, and in your mind…that you were created for and made for greatness?

This blog, and all my writings, are explorations into the wondrous, deep, and ever-evolving process of living, loving and growing. My intention with Pebbles for Thought, is to empower and uplift, one post at a time.